Here's to 2025

For the countdown to 2025, on New Years Eve and New Years Day, I spent my night in the hospital. My Grandmother had an emergency. Since she lives with us, I experienced almost everything. Now, as I am laying down writing this on my phone, I am reflecting and thinking a lot since I will be here all night with Grandma to monitor and translate for her.

She has a TV in her hospital room mounted right in from of the bed. As she slept, I watched the ball drop in NYC on CNN. The time moved so fast sitting on the couch next to her bed and suddenly, it was 2025. As I watched the broadcast in solitude with my Grandma who was trying her hardest to sleep, I continued looking at the screen with a certain feeling that I can’t really describe. In my head, I also told myself that… I really don’t want to grow up. It’s silly but I just want to put this all out here for people to look at and relate to. I also need to explain myself.

The 2025-2026 school year will be final year of university, where I plan to graduate with a Bachelors of Science. It’s truly an honor and big accomplishment for me, considering my background. Despite the excitement, I really really REALLY am not ready to graduate. Not because I’m scared of employment opportunities, frankly, my university has helped me so much and has given me so much support. I have connected with some really good individuals who are guiding me in the right direction and are great resources. I guess a better way to say it instead of being misleading is that I don’t want it to end. I love school, despite how unimaginable that sounds. I like working and talking with faculty, I like studying (I barely believe it myself), I like doing activities with student affairs and clubs, hanging out with friends whenever I can. I love it. I transfered to my current university after completing credits at a local community college. So I was a sophomore at this new school (I did one year at community college). I managed to pull through despite the difficulties. I made new friends and got back into wanting to create art and music (I should post on this). But my Penn State campus is one that people usually stay at for a little bit and end up transferring to the main campus. So a lot of the friends I made vanished and I was back at square one. Fall of 2024, I made more friends and now I have the same feeling. That people are going to transfer and I am going to have to do it all over again. Although I do have friends who will continue to be with me until I graduate, but it all just feels a bit sad.

Seeing Penn State at Beaver Stadium on TV and imagining all the students there in the crowd makes me feel like I missed out. I missed out on a cool college life. I could’ve known, or been friends with some of those people there. I barely know anyone on my campus who is into Linux, wouldn’t it have been cool if I was able to meet more people like me? This is not at all saying that people who are my friends now are “less worthy” or some bs. I just notice when I’m reminiscing right now, of just what could’ve been. That’s probably why I enjoy studying. There are no college parties here. And sticking this here, I still feel like I haven’t done as much as I feel like I am capable of. I could’ve gotten better grades, could’ve made more friends, could’ve done another research project, could’ve done more.

As I see my Grandma next to me and being able to hardly move, and after having seen my Mom in the hospital just 3 weeks before Grandma, one thing I have definitely learned this year is you only get one life.

No second chances, no repeats, nothing promised except your death.

2024 has been a confusing year. I accomplished half of the goals I set out to acconplish and the other half are still in the works. It was a good step up, but I feel like a lot is still missing from me. In these years to come, I plan to take more risks and be more cutthroat for my ambitions. Seek out opportunities for growth, hit the gym harder than I have been (I have not been pushing myself fully during my workouts and been working out less frequently), read more and continue to find books that inspire me, continue to push on sides hustles and polish my skills for what I want.

I have never felt this way about a year other than 2024. I just know that so much good has come through this year that will carry to the next. But it is wrapped in very strange emotions and thoughts from the past 2 months that have completely changed my outlook on life. Anyway, everyday is a blessing.